I've done very little playing these last 3 years. Everything I played just sounded like the same old shit and I felt like I'd run out of ideas and energy. I needed a rest. Depression is a funny thing, you don't notice it's happening and it feels quite normal and no one talks about it.
So I've sat in my tiny garden watching the clouds and staring at the ever lengthening grass avoiding music except for wallowing in nostagia for all the old stuff I used to listen to and rediscovering it's greatness. It does you good to listen to music you can't play and avoid the stuff that is nearest to what you do.
I still don't feel like I'm not just cranking out the same old same old, but having lost a lot of my old technique it's not quite the same as it used to be, so there's that to be grateful for from the hiatus.
Perhaps artists need to take a break, I'm not the only musician who's taken time off to refresh and recharge. I've thought about packing it in altogether and living a normal life like normal sensible people do.
The reproachful looks from my unopened sax case made me wonder whether someone else should be playing it instead of gathering dust waiting for me to. But I'd miss it if it wasn't there.
I read the other day that Brotzmann had died. This isn't a tribute to him, I didn't know him and only saw him play a couple of times. But there's a gap in his passing that needs to be filled and none of us is getting any younger. So this is more a call to arms. Once more we must don our armour and do battle with complacency and bigotry. Fascists can fuck off.
I'd like to thank those who've helped keep me moderately sane over the years - Nuria, Erika, Helena, Kate, Wayne and all friends far and wide lost and found... and the cute furry felines from over the fence who come and meow at me when I get lonely.
There should be a bit more music along in the coming months. The solo guitar album may reach completion, duos with a few folks mad enough to want to and maybe some electronic stuff. And that fucking saxophone keeps looking at me like that.
30/06/2023